BY FUNKE EGBEMODE
Fuji maestro, King Wasiu Ayinde Marshall, KWAM 1, about a week ago prodded the snake in its hole. The snake uncoiled and went after him. Some even said he stepped on a cobra’s tail and so he should have been ready for the long stream of venom. Calm down my people. I am just painting a picture here. For starters, women who have produced the loudest hiss at KWAM 1 are no snakes. And then, KWAM 1 has drums of anti-venom in case he gets beaten. The guy just loves controversy as much as he loves women. He makes a song (too bad he can’t dance to save his own life) from everything. That is his niche. He’s not like Ayinla Kollington or Adewale Ayuba who create dance steps from every album or hit song, remember ‘lakukulala’, ‘Ijo Yoyo’, and ‘koloba koloba’.
But this is not a music review. It is about that thing that KWAM 1 said;
‘T’o ba lo l’oyunkoyun, oyun saara ni’
Meaning, ‘ if any woman decides to keep any pregnancy that ‘we’ did not agree on, it is free pregnancy.’
Free pregnancy means pregnancy that the man will not acknowledge and the child will raised by only his or her mum.
The song is annoying.
It was designed to be annoying. It rubbed us women the wrong way. We all wanted to punch him in the face and kick him in the groin.
But did he lie? Is that short song not one of the reasons our society is filled with single mothers?
Okay, KWAM1 was insensitive to sing the song. Maybe, maybe not. I do not want to get into the full story as I have been told that Oga was actually directing the song at one of us, a particular woman. That is a sad long story, a kiss-and -tell topic for another day, a sex-without-condom story for another week.
My point today is about how we women cheat ourselves, put ourselves in vulnerable situations, box our lives into corners of pain and regret because we ‘caught feelings’.
Women, we catch feelings too quickly, too unwisely. We give the men too much too soon. That is why these days, the churches, the pastors are shouting’ take sex off the table’. They are totally right. The best way to know if a man wants more than what’s in your panties is to keep him away far from your panties. Let him go romance his soap and round it up with a cold shower, if his hard-on becomes too painful. These guys, we give them too much too soon because we love with all our heart. The heart is not smart. It just rushes ‘feeling’ round our bodies along with warm blood and before you can understand your own ring tone, the dude is pumping you full of his seeds along with his ancestors’, millions of them. Those tadpole-looking things know where they are headed and they dive headlong.
The girl is the one catching feelings.
Dude is just catching fun.
The tadpole things have a job to do.
He didn’t wear condom.
She did not use the morning-after pill.
What the heck!
My dear girls, if marriage is not on the table; if you have not agreed to make a baby, DO NOT GET PREGNANT!
Why?
Pregnancy creates parents. It does not automatically create husbands and wives.
A maternity gown is not a wedding dress, and a baby bump is not a marriage certificate.
Men really should beg, pay, give us generous gifts before we get pregnant. Yes, you read that right. I am tired of reading and hearing all those nonsense lines like;
Am I the only one you are sleeping with?
How do I know it is my child?
I am not ready to be a father.
Go and take care of yourself.
I will transfer money to your account now, go and get rid of it.
Can you imagine the insult?
Even as I type this, I am nauseated.
Girl, I repeat, it is your body, do not allow any man deposit his little ancestors in it without a solid agreement. It is your oven, he cannot bake in it without you turning on the gas. Turn the gas off now! Let him ask why you are not pregnant. Let him wonder and worry if he had been firing blanks. Let him ask for a child before you produce one . It is you who will spit and vomit, push until your eyes pop in the labour room, or lay your life down under the knife so his father’s name can continue. Do not take it lightly. Do not donate your womb for free use. Box those fluttering butterflies in your stomach and use your head. Otherwise, it is ‘oyun saara’.
There is an old saying that when love enters through the front door, fear jumps out through the window. Unfortunately, some people try to reverse the order. They let fear that drive the relationship and hope love will catch up later.
A young lady once whispered to her friends, “Don’t worry. Once I get pregnant, he will have no choice but to marry me.”
The ladies nodded. Some even congratulated her in advance. Nine months later, she had a beautiful baby.
The wedding never happened.
Instead, the man paid child support only when chased, disappeared for weeks at a time, and eventually married someone else.
The child became the innocent victim of a war that should never have started.
It is a story that has repeated itself too many times.
Some women genuinely believe pregnancy is a marriage proposal wrapped in biological packaging. They think a positive pregnancy test is the strongest engagement ring on earth.
It isn’t.
If pregnancy could force marriage, there would be no single mothers. There would be no fathers denying children who look exactly like them. There would be no DNA tests exposing lies and no courts handling endless custody battles.
Why then do some women still believe it works?
Sometimes it is desperation.
The pressure to marry in our society can be cruel. Once a woman reaches a certain age, relatives become unofficial marriage consultants. Every wedding invitation becomes an interrogation.
“So, when is your own?”
Some women panic. They begin to believe marriage is a race they are losing. Then someone whispers that the fastest shortcut is pregnancy.
It is terrible advice.
Sometimes it is insecurity.
A woman notices her boyfriend becoming distant. Calls are shorter. Visits become fewer. Another woman has appeared in the picture.
Instead of having an honest conversation, she reaches for what she thinks is her secret weapon.
“A baby will make him stay.”
No.
A child cannot repair what adults have already broken.
Sometimes it is competition.
“My friends are all married.”
“My younger sister has two children.”
“My parents are asking questions.”
Pressure can make intelligent people make foolish decisions.
Sometimes it comes from dangerous advice handed down from generation to generation.
Older women sometimes tell younger ones, “Men don’t take women seriously until they become pregnant.”
That may have worked for a few people decades ago.
Today’s reality is different.
Many men simply walk away.
Some even relocate.
Some deny responsibility.
Others pay maintenance but refuse marriage.
Society has changed, whether we like it or not.
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Let us also be fair.
Not every pregnancy before marriage is planned.
Life happens.
People make mistakes.
Contraception sometimes fails.
Two people who genuinely love each other may suddenly find themselves expecting a baby.
That is different from deliberately getting pregnant as a strategy.
Love should never be a trap.
Marriage should never be an arrest.
The truth many refuse to accept is simple.
A man who doesn’t want marriage before pregnancy usually won’t suddenly become husband material after pregnancy.
If anything, pregnancy often magnifies existing problems.
The irresponsible become even more irresponsible.
The dishonest become more dishonest.
The commitment-phobic become even harder to pin down.
Children increase responsibility.
They don’t manufacture maturity.
There is another uncomfortable truth.
Even if pregnancy succeeds in dragging a reluctant man to the altar, what exactly has been won?
A wedding?
Perhaps.
A happy marriage?
Not necessarily.
Marriage entered through coercion often carries hidden resentment.
One partner feels trapped.
The other spends years wondering whether love is genuine or merely obligation.
That is a shaky foundation on which to build a lifetime.
Children deserve better than becoming bargaining chips.
No child asked to be born as evidence in a relationship dispute.
No baby should become an emotional handcuff.
Children deserve parents who chose each other—not parents who were cornered into staying together.
Ladies, here is a difficult question.
If you have to trap him, is he really the man you should marry?
A man who needs to be captured is already trying to escape.
Marriage should be entered willingly.
Not under siege.
And gentlemen are not entirely innocent in this conversation.
Some men promise marriage simply to gain sexual access.
They keep postponing introductions.
Next year becomes next month.
Next month becomes after promotion.
After promotion becomes after building a house.
Years pass.
The woman becomes emotionally invested.
She begins to panic.
That panic sometimes leads to reckless decisions.
Men who deliberately deceive women are equally guilty of creating these tragic situations.
Honesty would save everyone enormous pain.
If you do not want to marry her, say so.
Do not borrow tomorrow’s promise to enjoy today’s pleasure.
The solution is not manipulation from either side.
It is maturity.
Talk.
Agree on where the relationship is going.
Know whether your values align.
Discuss marriage before discussing baby names.
Because babies are not relationship glue.
They are human beings.
Beautiful.
Precious.
Demanding.
Expensive.
Emotionally exhausting.
They deserve stability, not strategy.
Young women should also understand that modern relationships give everyone choices.
Nobody should gamble a child’s future hoping another adult suddenly changes character.
Hope is not a relationship plan.
Pregnancy is not an engagement ring.
A maternity gown is not a wedding dress.
And a baby bump is not a marriage certificate.
The strongest foundation for marriage has never changed.
Mutual love.
Respect.
Trust.
Shared values.
Commitment freely given.
Not commitment extracted under pressure.
If a man truly wants to marry you, he doesn’t need a pregnancy announcement to discover your value.
If he does not value you before conception, pregnancy rarely performs that miracle.
The real question is not, “How do I make him marry me?”
The better question is, “Why do I want to marry someone who must be forced?”
The answer to that question could save a woman years of heartbreak.
So, dear sisters, protect your heart.
Protect your future.
Protect your children—even the ones yet unborn.
Do not make motherhood a negotiation tactic.
Do not turn pregnancy into an ultimatum.
And never confuse biological connection with emotional commitment.
Because the truth, however uncomfortable, remains this:
You can become the mother of his child.
Only he can choose to become your husband.
And if marriage has to begin with a trap, someone is likely to spend years looking for the nearest exit.
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